Opening a Can of Complicated

I have this weird thing about can openers. In the thirteen years I have been married, I have used the same can opener. No electrical cord, no extra gadgets or gismos. Simple.

My husband bought me an electric one right after we married because he felt the manual one was sooooo much work. I spent ten minutes trying to open one can with the new fancy electrical one and then when he wasn’t looking pulled out my trusty manual opener and in no time at all opened four cans. I left the electrical one out for awhile to spare his feelings (I was really sweet in the early years), hoping to give the illusion that I was using it, but eventually I needed the counter space and tucked it away in the far back corner of a hard to reach cabinet, along with all the other wedding gifts I never used. My hubby got over it.

A few weeks ago, the unthinkable happened. My beloved, user-friendly can opener gave up the ghost. My husband said he would pick one up on the way home and I begged him to just get a simple one. Nothing fancy. Well…he promised me that he got the simplest one the store had. It is manual…but it’s got this button that locks it in to place, which I’m sure sounded like a helpful idea on paper, but it takes the strength of two grown men to push the button hard enough to open it.

So, I have yet another can opener that takes twice as long to open cans, which means when the day of doom comes, we won’t be able to open any of our stockpiled cans of green beans and will die of starvation before the second wave of destruction sweeps over the earth… ok, maybe that’s a bit dramatic...but still…

All this to say, that as I was recently making a pot of chili, I got to the step of adding beans and suddenly remembered that I was going to have to use the new can opener. My heart sank and hands ached as I wrestled to open six cans. That’s when a realization struck me.

I realized that there are many times I make my life more complicated by striving to be more productive.

If I could just be like a simple can opener that just opens one can at a time. That’s all. (I really miss my old can opener! I’m sorry. I’ll let that analogy go now and move on for all of our sakes.)

My soul really desires to just be here, in the moment, instead of frantically doing many things at once. I feel like I’m accomplishing much when I’m stirring with one hand, typing with the other, trying to have meaningful conversation with my 7-year-old, and also making a grocery list in my head, but really all I’m doing is a bunch of important things poorly and making my head hurt.

This chaotic behavior isn’t contained in the physical, but also transfers to the spiritual as my heart wrestles to focus on what God wants to speak to me each day.

Even with earlier rising and a carefully planned schedule (which have helped me immensely), there is an ungodly urgency in my spirit that keeps pushing me to run full speed through each day. I can see that this urgency is not healthy. It is not pushing me in a God-honoring direction, but rather pushing me past the moments when a slower pace would allow for some much needed discipleship.

I have come to recognize that this urgency is also stealing this precious time I have with my daughters, because while I am rushing, and scheduling, and juggling, the minutes are ticking by, and they are growing up. I tend to make what should be simple, like conversation with my kids and my husband, very complicated to maintain because I am trying to do too much all the time.

What my kids need most is not a full activity schedule, but rather a relationship with their parents that ultimately points them to a relationship with Christ. That is not something that can be reduced to good time-management skills or contained within the rigidity of a well-kept schedule.

However, too often in my life, I am telling my kids to wait for my attention, and then to hurry because we have to go now. I beg them to occupy themselves so that I can cook dinner, answer emails, write a blog (gulp). Or I’m answering with empty “uh-huhs” and “oh yeahs” while they talk and my mind is preoccupied with other things. And they know when they don’t have my full attention.

We can all easily fall into the trap of trying to be many things to many people. Pretty soon we are overbooked, overworked, tired, cranky and accomplishing very little.

Now I realize that there is instantly an urge to push back this way of thinking. Truthfully, it sounds highly unrealistic to be able to get things done without running around like crazy people. It would seem that multi-tasking is the only way for us to function in this real world of hustling and accomplishing. I would like to suggest, not that we throw our hands up and quit everything, but that we simply invite Jesus into the moments of our day, to help us be fully present at all times, and maybe even to discover that his grace will fill in the gaps.

I wish I were writing today from a stance of having figured out how to do this. It would probably be more helpful for you and more pleasing to my ego. Instead, I’m going to have to admit that this is an area I’m still praying daily that God will help me to figure out. The only thing I do know is that God gives us grace for all things, including those things we cannot do no matter how carefully we plan or how hard we try.

 I do know that ultimately what my heart needs is, not to be more efficient or snazzy with my lists and schedules, but rather to rest in the work and grace of my Father. He provides all things, even this breath I am taking at this second. Therefore, I know I can trust him with my to-do list, my work, my parenting, and everything else I’m juggling. I believe he will provide the space that I need to accomplish the things that matter, and grace to be ok with letting some things go.

God is faithful. He holds all things together, even the noise that is waiting to be tamed now that the kids are awake and screaming with delight as they run away from the tickle monster (aka Daddy). By God’s grace, I woke up early today to write this piece before the grumbling tummies and wet pull-ups awoke. But now it’s time to move to the next task. And when that’s done, the next.

One. At. A. Time.

Important work is waiting for us to show up, Mamas! We can be fully present because we are not going it alone or in our own strength. God is with us today.

Take heart, my friend. It doesn’t all have to be done right now.

My prayer for you today is that you will not give in to the urge to multitask, but will instead choose to be fully present in each moment. I pray that you will have the discernment to know which activities to hold on to and trust God by letting go of the things that just aren’t necessary in your life right now. I’m praying that you will delight in the presence of Jesus today, and find space to just be.

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities-all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:15-17 ESV

Deep breath…let’s go.

For further study and encouragement:

Matthew 6:25-34; Psalm 116:4-7; Psalm 127; Ecclesiastes 2:22-25; Ecclesiastes 3:1-8; Matthew 11:28-29

And the Award Goes To

I’m not sure exactly when we all start playing the comparison game, but very early on we get this idea that we are supposed to look at the people around us, see what they are doing well, and then strive relentlessly to become better than them at it. That doesn’t even make sense. Yet, that’s what we do.

Maybe it starts in school when we spot the smart kid and think, “I should be smarter than him,” and so we start striving for the A’s and teacher awards. Or we see a girl who is exceptionally beautiful and think, “I want to be prettier than her,” and so we tease our bangs and buy multi-colored scrunchy socks (child of the 80s here people...).

I don’t know how it starts, but I suspect it doesn’t take much prodding. I have seen my daughters wrestle with comparison. I will compliment one and the other says, “What about me?” They are 3, 6, 7 and 9. Doesn’t that seem too young to be caught up in competing? And yet they are, no matter how carefully I try to sprinkle praise around equally. We grown-ups do it too. It’s ugly. But it’s real.

Comparison has been a very deep-rooted issue for me. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t comparing myself to other people. I’ve compared grades, body type, athleticism, clothes, smiles, eyelashes… I could list several more pages worth.

I remember reading a particular baby book while I was pregnant with my first that said I wasn’t supposed to compare my child’s progress with other children. So I determined I wouldn’t. But I did. I watched as my friend’s babies spoke and crawled earlier than mine and despaired that my child appeared inferior or less intelligent. I fretted at the doctor’s office as the doctor compared her growth process with the other percentiles. I wanted so badly for my child to be in that average range, unless she was exceptionally developing, of course. But, lawd help me if she was below average!

Yesterday, I hosted my twenty-fifth children’s birthday party. Twenty. Five. I have decorated and planned twenty-five birthday parties, just for my kids (when you have four, it adds up quick.) And children’s birthday parties really have a way of throwing you into the ring as far as competing goes.

Can I tell you something really, really horrible? I grumbled the entire time I was decorating. I was completely annoyed that I had to throw this party. Images of other kid’s birthday parties were flashing through my mind, and I knew that I had neither the energy nor money to compete. I kept thinking, “Why can’t we just get a cake, give a gift and be done?”

Now, hold on. If you are one of those people, who truly delights in throwing these huge parties out of pure love for your kid, you are amazing and beautiful, and in no way am I condemning your gift of fabulous celebrations. Please feel free to invite us to your next one-we love cake. But, if you find yourself begrudgingly strolling through Party City, filling your cart with overpriced, thematic, plastic trinkets that will be broken and in the garbage bin by Monday, because you’re worried what Miss So-and-So will think, then you, like me, might be struggling with comparison.

I have incredibly amazing and beautiful friends and family members in my life. All of them gifted with different talents and abilities. Some are incredibly gifted in ways that I can never hope to be. Sadly, when my heart is striving to compete with these lovely people, I automatically build walls that don’t allow that person access to who I really am. As a result, my friendship with them becomes very shallow. Conversations rarely get beyond chit-chat. I hate chit-chat. I’m an introvert and apparently, introverts want real and deep conversations. But when you are soaked in jealousy, the real and deep conversations don’t include nice words so…you have to resort to chit-chat. Those conversations are draining. I walk away from them feeling like I have just finished a performance. Which, I have. Instead of honestly saying, “The way you are so organized/pretty/smart/good at cleaning/parenting/writing/singing/ad infinitum, makes me feel like a total loser and so I kind of don’t want to talk to you right now,” I have to say, “So do you have plans for the weekend?” because it would be awkward and rude for me to be so honest. So, I make up lines about very benign things so they won’t know how resentful I am feeling towards their awesomeness in areas where I am inept.

As a result of all of this competing and comparing, I have been face-to-face with sins like envy and even hatred towards people. I know it would be kinder if I used soft words like “struggles” instead of “sins” and “dislike” instead of “hate”, but I’d rather use truthful words that shine light in those dark areas of my heart, offensive as they may be.

So I’ve had to talk to Jesus about this. I knew if I did not repent, I would be doomed to a lifetime of bitterness and resentment instead of growing in love and unity with others. And here’s what I’ve learned thus far.

1. When we are comparing ourselves to others, we are creating disunity in our relationships. There is no such thing as healthy competition, unless your playing ping-pong. It is very hard to love and be united with someone with whom you are competing.

2. When we are comparing ourselves to others, we are making them lord over our lives. We measure everything we say and do by this perceived perfection we think others have achieved that we have not. We become enslaved to striving to be like them instead of striving to be like Christ-who by the way is the only one who is perfect.

3. When we are competing with each other, we hold tightly to the gifts God has given us like it is the secret sauce of our success that we don’t want the competition to steal or beat out with something better. This is selfish and keeps the glory of God from being displayed through us.

So, I knew the way I saw myself, and others needed to change. I have sought to recognize who I am, created in the image of God, share the gifts he’s given me, and celebrate the image of God that is being displayed in the gifts of those around me.

As I have been studying and praying for God to change my heart, I have found that Scripture has much to say about the body of Christ and how we relate to each other. In Ephesians 4:15-16, Paul tells us, “we are to grow up in everyway into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.” So you and I, as believers in Christ, are like ligaments of the body of Christ. We are held together at the joint. The joint is Christ. He is what holds us together (I may or may not have just started singing, “Bind us together, Lord, bind us together in loooooooove” Sorry ‘bout that.). So that means that we relate to each other through Christ.

Dietrich Bonhoffer, a pastor and martyr during Hitler’s Third Reich said it this way, “What determines our brotherhood is what that man is by reason of Christ. Our community with one another consists solely in what Christ has done to both of us. I have community with others and I shall continue to have it only through Jesus Christ…We have one another only through Christ…” (Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Christian Community.)

Here is the truth. As believers we are in Christ, which means we are no longer competitors or enemies, but rather brothers and sisters. Being a part of the body of Christ changes the way we see each other, for we now see each other in light of what Jesus has done to reconcile us to the Father, and to each other. We are family.

 For us to look at one another and covet who the other is created to be, or what they have, is like our nose being jealous of our elbow. We are part of the same body (family of God), created for the same purpose (to bring glory to our Father), but used in a different function (by God’s intentional design). Each of us was designed by an infinitely creative Artist, who is so profoundly varied, that the expression of His image has been and will continue to be originally displayed in billions of different people throughout the course of all history to the end of time. I cannot be better than you and you cannot be better than me because that’s not what we were created to do. That’s not even a conversation worth having in light of who God is, and the image of him we bear.

It is through our individual gifts, drawn out of us as we are living in community together, that He is made known to the world. When we get together, we have an opportunity to capture a more complete picture of who God is, because each person is displaying a part of his image in a way that only she can.

What if we stopped competing with each other, and instead enjoyed each other’s company? What if we stopped comparing homes, kids, spouses, body type, fingernail shape, and all the other stuff? What if instead we put all of that energy into stewarding the gifts and talents God has given us, and share those things with others for the glory of God? I suspect we would enjoy what we already have a lot more, find ourselves a great deal less lonely, and would feel abundantly more loved.

My prayer for you today is that you will not compare yourself with Miss So-and-So, but that you will compare yourself to Jesus, recognizing that you can never be better than Him, and rest in the fact that His best is all any of us needs anyway. I pray that today, you will enjoy the people you are friends with, seeing them through the grace of Christ, rejoicing in their gifting and abilities, and be satisfied with who God has created you to be, glorifying Him through your gifts.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves as one who serves by the strength that God supplies-in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 4:8-11 ESV

Puberty, the PTA and Other Frightening Things

Heartbeat. Moving. Stillness. Cramping. Spotting. Hospital birth. Homebirth. Breastfeeding. Formula. Acid Reflux. Sleep schedule. Colic. Vaccinations. First food. First tooth. Crawling. Walking. Falling. Bumps. Bruises. Stitches. Blood work. Fevers. Viruses. Well-checkups. Ear infections. Night terrors. Eczema. Croupy coughs. Allergies. Hurricanes. Terrorists. Veggies. Protein. Calcium. Iron. Vitamins. Omega - 3s. Probiotics. Wheat. Gluten free. Dairy free. Cage-free. Socialization. Sandboxes. Cat urine. Bullies. Day care. Nanny. Pre-K. Private school. Public school. Home school. Bus rider. PTA. Grades. Cavities. Braces. Snakes. Bee stings. Mosquito bites. Broken bones. Puberty. Clicks. Friends. Drivers Ed. Dating. Prom. Graduation. College. Roommates. Rent. Cockroaches. Jobs. Marriage. Grandchildren. Rinse and repeat.

What do all these things have in common? Well, they give us gray hair for sure (I’ve counted 9 as recently as yesterday. One for every year I've been a mother. Cry with me please!). But, this incomplete list also produces fear. And I’m sorry if you are on the PTA, but, yes it scares me, and there is never coffee at any of the meetings so…moving on.

Fear creeps into our minds and steals our peace the moment we find out we are pregnant. Every twinge and cramp brings all kinds of worries to our minds. We wonder if the baby is ok. Is he/she growing? Moving? Deep breath…

Our carefree days are gone. We no longer feel the freedom to run from one adventure to the next because now there is a long list of worries to consider. If you think I’m exaggerating, take a look inside the diaper bag of a newborn. You have a teeny tiny person who can’t even lift their head by themselves and yet we pack the back of the car to the roof with items this little bit might need on a one hour excursion.

Why?

Because we are desperate to manage and control every possible scenario we may encounter. We never want to be found lacking in our ability to do this parent thing. We want to feel confident and sure of ourselves. We are all trying to appear like we know what we are doing when really we are all scared out of our minds and our sense of control is flimsy at best.

Fear drives us to put covers on our outlets and baby gates on our steps. Fear compels us to purchase expensive video baby monitors and pacifier wipes. Fear steals our time as we search WebMD for answers that we hope will give us peace of mind. Fear convinces us that our best efforts at mothering will produce psychologically and emotionally screwed up kids and so we buy more books and stop using the word “no” so we don’t accidentally smash little princess’s fragile self-esteem (I’ll give you a moment to do some excessive eye-rolling. In fact I’ll join you).

Our mothers and grandmothers shake their heads at us and say things like “I didn’t have those things back when I was having babies and you all turned out just fine.” We respond with “True. Buuuut….”.

Babies R’ Us banks on the fear of millions of mothers. We want to ensure our children’s safety and so they sell us the most expensive car seat (with matching stroller that such and such Hollywood actress uses so it must be the best, blah, blah, blah) with the highest safety ratings, trying to convince us that this guarantees our children will be safe. But there are no such guarantees. Not really. Even the best of the best can’t make those kinds of promises. We put our trust in them anyway, hoping we don’t find ourselves in the margin with those who experience a manufacturers’ defect.

The struggle is real. I hear it all the time in conversations with other moms. I see the lines in their furrowed brows as they talk about the fears they are wrestling with and their lack of solutions. They refer to the research they’ve read in mountains of blogs and books. Everything from establishing sleeping habits, to teaching toddlers not to scream. Whatever issue we face as parents, there’s probably a book (definitely a blog) written on the subject. And I have read many of them with trembling hands and that same furrowed brow.

One of the greatest tragedies that result from living in constant fear for our children is that we cease enjoying these childhood years. There is no joy to be found on a sunny day at the park when you are on edge about skin cancer and dehydration.

If one spends too much time Googling, they will find all sorts of things to add to their list of fears. Trust me. I’ve done it. My current worry is a small “owie” my toddler has that she keeps picking at and reopening. The other day she had blood smeared all over her leg like she was an extra in Braveheart or something. It’s a tiny cut that should have already healed. Now I’m worried about staff infection. Oh dear. And I know that there are many solutions. Band-aids being the most obvious. But she has a meltdown every time I put one on her so I rub on some more anti-bac salve and pray we don’t have to amputate.

Where does this fear come from? What do we do with all of this ridiculous, and sometimes not ridiculous, fear? How do we find relief for our mothering hearts?

While searching for answers can be good and helpful, we are never going to be able to deal with the root of the anxiety in our souls until we start looking elsewhere for solutions. We may be able to curb the fear that rises up in us by arming ourselves with techniques, equipment, information and anxiety meds, but these things will not remove fear. The entire bottle of Lavender oil isn't enough to calm us in the deepest part of our hearts.

We fear, because we love these little people. Yet, perfect love removes all fear (1 John 4:18), so our love for them is very flawed. Imperfect. Laced with anxious tendencies.

No one knows the danger that is lurking, the evil waiting to devour our children, better than God. He knows, not just the wickedness of the broken world that wants to harm them physically, but He also knows the depravity of sin within their own hearts that brings tragedy much greater than anything that could happen to their bodies. Jesus tells his disciples in Matthew 10:28 “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” Oh dang. And so Jesus prays to His Father in John 17, “I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one.” He doesn’t pray for us to be safe. He prays for us to be saved. Think about that for a minute.

God is the perfect Father, who loves perfectly, never motivated by fear, like we are. He does not pave the way for us to live without pain and suffering, neither does He leave us alone to figure it out. Because of His perfect love for us, we don’t have to be afraid. We can trust that He is keeping us from the evil one. This doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen, it means that the evil one cannot have us. Believers belong to Christ. The only thing we really have to fear is eternal separation from God. Everything else is extremely minor in comparison. And through Jesus’ work on the cross, the way has been made to save us from that separation. So while we are still facing hardship, and while we are watching our children suffer hardship, we can have peace knowing that God will keep us, and our children, from the evil one. He will be with us in every situation. We cannot be lost again. Whatever we face. He is our only true hope.

When my husband and I board a plane to go somewhere without the kids, I am reminded of the reality of Jesus as my only true hope. I really enjoy flying, but there is this moment that comes every time the plane starts to take off that I kinda panic. My one thought is, “If this plane crashes, my children will be orphaned.” And in that moment, I cannot get off the plane. I cannot force the pilot to land the plane, run home and scoop up my daughters. I cannot even access Google to find the DIY way to parachute out of a commercial aircraft using only a handbag and a cardigan! All I can do, is ask Jesus to be with my children should they be orphaned today. He is my only hope in that moment. All of my resources are useless. There is nothing else I can do. All I can do is trust God, knowing that He won’t always keep my children from sorrow, but that He will be with them as they go through it. And guess what? I always feel His peace in that moment. Every time. Every flight.

I know that He loves my children even more than I do and that He will keep them with or without me. What a sweet relief this is. The peace of God is truly beyond my understanding. It seems too simple. It seems like there should be more to it, more work that we need to do to achieve peace. We like feeling powerful and in control of our lives, but that control is not real. It is an illusion.

We are all fooled by false security. We all want something tangible in our hands that we can use to protect our loves. We desperately want peace of mind. But after all the books have been read, and hours on Google are spent, will we really have peace? Lasting peace that cannot be stolen? Who, but God, has that kind of peace to give? Who, but Jesus, can we trust when life is completely out of our control?

Some of you are facing insurmountable pain and grief. Sorrow is very real for you right now. The worst that you feared would happen, happened. Will you trust God now, even still? Do you believe He can give you peace and calm your fears? Has He already? How can you encourage someone else who is living in the shadow of fear?

My prayer for you today is that you will trust God with all of your fears. Even the ones about your children, their safety, their development, their health, their education, their spiritual well-being, their whole selves for their whole life. I pray that today you will be able to rest in the comfort and peace that only Jesus can give.

“…Put your trust in the LORD. There are many who say, ‘Who will show us some good?’ Lift up the light of your face upon us, O LORD! You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound. In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:5-8 ESV