The Emotional Ramblings of a Church Planter's Wife

I have carried, labored and delivered four babies. While every baby was a different experience, there were many things that were the same every time. One of those things was the six weeks leading up to delivery day. It was always the same-the discomfort, the aching body, the desire to eat large portions of delicious food without feeling sick, the realization that I am DONE with being pregnant and let’s get it over with already, and the anxiousness of knowing life is never going to be the same once this is all over.

I’ve been thinking a lot about those last few weeks a momma goes through right before labor and delivery, lately. Not because we are about to have another baby, but because we have been planting a church.

I know you must be thinking, “What does childbearing have to do with church planting?” Surprisingly, they are very similar, minus the epidurals.

The thought to plant a church was conceived in our hearts 7 years ago. In April of 2009 I wrote in my journal:

I can’t shake the feeling that God may ask us to plant a church soon. That seems crazy. Maybe I'm off. I’m just going to hold on to that thought for now, unless Matt says something about it.

Well, it was a year later that my husband started talking to me about church planting. I hadn’t said a word to him about my journal entry because I didn’t want to put ideas in his head. If this was what we were supposed to do, I wanted him to hear it from God, not from me. He heard from God and I just responded to him, "Yeah, I already know."

And so we began dreaming, much like parents do when they find out they’re pregnant. We dreamt about what this church might look like and the potential of how it could impact the community we lived in. We talked about it for hours, then weeks, then months and then years, praying all the while for God’s direction and wisdom. Then we waited…and waited…and waited. It would be six more years before this church would be birthed.

I’d like to say that during this time of waiting I had great confidence and faith in the process, but that would be a bold-faced lie. Instead, I whined about how long it was taking. I questioned God’s intentions as he took us down paths that didn’t seem to be moving us in the church planting direction. I found myself ready to just be DONE with this process already! God patiently worked in my heart, helping me to grow to a point of readiness for what was ahead. I’m so thankful he knows what the right timing is. Pre-mature births can be difficult and scary.

Like any labor and delivery, we weren’t alone in it-thankfully! We had teams of people who said they wanted to do this with us. While we were waiting, God was moving on the hearts of people to join us, some were long time friends and some were people we had yet to meet.

Today, we launched this church alongside these people.  A whole bunch of us showed up and celebrated the new life of this church that God has been and is continuing to build. It is a church that has been longed for, planned for and through the labor of many of his people, has opened its doors in our community. What a beautifully, exhausting day it has been.

What strikes me most though, and what has always struck me when I look at one of my new babies, is how the glory of God is so apparent. To see what has taken shape in the months of waiting makes me catch my breath every time. No one but the almighty Creator of heaven and earth could have done this. In the same way a momma looks in awe at her tiny new baby, I stood in the lobby of our building and watched the church mingle, some hugging familiar faces, others meeting new ones, I was almost breathless. She is here. After years of waiting and months of laboring, this new, radiant church is here. No one but God could have created this and brought it all together today. She is beautiful, and we are overjoyed. 

Not only was it glorious, it was filled with intention. This wasn’t just a social gathering, rather it was something much more intentional. The buzz of excitement wasn’t just because people were gathering-it was because these are people who have been saved from the devastation of sin, and called to a mission. That is what it is all about. The church is about the celebration of what Jesus has done for us, and the mission he has called us to. Everyone there today heard that church is not just about securing a reservation in eternity. We know that we are called to a mission, and we are called to do it together. We are walking shoulder to shoulder into our everyday with a pressing in our hearts that compels us to share the Gospel. This creates a sense of urgency when we are together. And as we stood together to sing, sat to hear from God’s Word and hugged each other’s necks, we knew that, like soldiers in the trenches, we are in this together.

Like any momma after a delivery, I am overwhelmed with emotions (allow me to refer back to the title of this piece). The reality of what God has been up to all these years is happening now. It’s not just a dream anymore. It is no longer a conversation beginning with the words “Someday…” And as I sit here and try to sort through all that I have seen and heard today, I am mostly overwhelmed with gratitude. God did what he said he would, just as he always does.

Do you find yourself in a season of waiting? Maybe you are waiting for the birth of a child, and the growing pains are stretching your belly and heart until they can stretch no more. Maybe you are waiting for relief from a burden that you have carried for too long and your soul is crying for rest. Maybe you are waiting for a relationship to be restored and hope has been deferred for what feels like a lifetime. Do you sometimes wonder if God has forgotten you and doesn’t know where you are?

My prayer for us today is that we would hold fast to what we know is true-that God is good, and his intentions toward us are good too. I pray that as we wait we would not fall into the trap of anger and bitterness because things are not happening the way we thought they would. I pray that we will trust God to fulfill his purposes in his time and find rest while we wait in his immense love for us.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.     Hebrew 10:23-25

Please Obey...Or Else...

"Please obey." 

My children know what these words mean. It means mom is done negotiating and consequences are coming. I suppose it is my version of counting to three.

I started using these words after coming to the realization that almost all of my children's behavior is rooted in disobedience. When they take a toy, they are not only being selfish, they are disobeying, because we've told them sharing is kind and so that is what is expected of them. If they hit a sister, they are not only hurting sister, they are disobeying because we've told them to use words to communicate anger, not hands. If they lie, they are not only hiding the truth, they are disobeying, because we have told them to speak the truth always. 

I've wondered how it is that disobedience is always at the root, but then I remember that disobedience is rooted in an even deeper issue. Idolatry. Sounds too heavy? I agree, yet the immensity of our sin is usually greater than we realize when we stop long enough to dig at the roots a bit. You see, disobedience is the act of rebellion against an authority that we are expected to submit to, and allegiance to our selves. If we, as parents, were not the God-ordained authority in our children's lives, than there would be no need for them to obey us, or to obey God. Yet, by God's design, parents are meant to oversee the conduct of their children's behavior, and more importantly, the  intentions of their hearts. The thorns that we wrestle with in this work is that we have been given children who, like us, have a sinful and depraved nature, and so they will constantly try to place themselves on the throne of their life, worshipping their own desires above God. That is idolatry. Some would disagree, saying that bad behavior is learned, however, in ten years of parenting, I never once sat down with my 2-year-old and said, "Today, Sweetie, Mommy is going to teach you how to scream the word no at Mommy repeatedly, and then lay on the ground and refuse to do what Mommy has asked you to do." Never once did I do that. All of my children instinctively knew how to insist on getting their own way. How about yours? I think it's safe to say I don't agree with the theory that bad behavior is taught. 

So what is a parent, who desperately longs for their children to obey with happy hearts, to do? Pray. Pray often. Because the scary reality is that while our children our small, we can outweigh and intimidate them. We can trick, manipulate, and physically force them to obey. But one day, those tiny tots will be adult-sized and obedience will have to be the choice they make willingly. We won't be able to force them into obedience. It is so important that we pray for their hearts to be changed, and deal, not just with their behavior, but with the true issues of their hearts. A heart that has been changed by the Gospel is a heart that willingly obeys. I don't just want my children to obey, I want them to want to obey. But I am not God, and I do not have the power to change their hearts. All I can do is ask the Holy Spirit to do the work in their hearts that only he can do. When I trust his work, then I can help them understand their own hearts better, the sin that is trying to destroy them, and the hope we have in Jesus to save us from our own hearts and sin. 

One of the best books I've read and referred to again and again in the last ten years is Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. He writes,

What is important in correction is not venting your feelings, anger or hurt; it is, rather, understanding the nature of the struggle that your child is having. What is important is understanding the "why" of what has been done or said. You need to understand not just what has happened, but what is going on within you child. Remember, it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. 

Here's why this is so hard for me. It takes time! It takes more energy to sit with my disobedient child and uncover the "why" behind their disobedience. It is much quicker and immediately easier to snap out some harsh words followed by a threat. It is so tempting to just deal with the behavior and move on and never take the time to address the heart behind the behavior. But, in the long run, when I follow this principle of taking time to understand what's going on in my kid's hearts, and to help them understand it too, there is so much more joy in our relationship! I have seen repentance and real change in my children when we address the issues of sin in their heart and ask the Holy Spirit for help. 

And this isn't just true for our children, it true for us as well. When we only ever deal with our behavior in a self-help kind of way, we never really deal with our hearts, and we find ourselves very distant from our Father. But when we take the time to let him search our hearts, and put his finger on the sins that are hiding there, we find the desire to repent, experience freedom from our own natures, and joy in our relationship with him.

My prayer for you and me, today is that we will determine to pursue our children's hearts above their behavior. I pray that especially on those days when we are weary and tempted to shoot from the hip, that we press into the redemptive work of Jesus and allow him to lead us to a better way of both disciplining and discipling our children. I pray that today, you and I will receive his grace for the mistakes we've made (and will make), and move forward encouraged by the mercy that is new every morning, and teach it to our sweet babies. 

Obedience is better than sacrifice...rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.    1 Samuel 15:22 NLT

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.   Psalm 51:10 ESV

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any devious way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!    Psalm 139:23-24

Calling an Audible

Ok, Ladies. Today I am going to lend you some sports’ terminology that is not only relevant to our lives as moms, but will help you to communicate in a language that your husband will most likely understand. Woot-woot!

Yesterday, I called an audible. According to the urban dictionary (how fun is the urban dictionary y’all-so fun), calling an audible is:

To decide what to do at the last second after seeing all possible options and obstacles that come up. Comes from football, seen when the quarterback goes up to the line of scrimmage (where they all line up and get ready to play keep-away with the football), sees a defensive alignment he wasn’t expecting, and adjusts by yelling out a new play.

This is what happened yesterday at my house with my four little girls, minus the shoulder pads and helmets. We are in a season of total chaos, and let me just clarify that this chaos is being caused by really good things.

It’s harder to know when to call an audible when it’s good chaos, because I never want to miss out on the good things-you know? Well, this week, there have been so many good things creating all kinds of havoc in our household. We had one more really good thing that was packed with fun for my kids and I was struggling to find the energy to do it. On top of the lack of energy, my kid’s behavior was a wreck. I’m talking bad attitudes, constant sister fighting, whining, and blatant disobedience. I knew that the chaos had me too distracted this week to really focus in on my children's hearts. I had been parenting by the seat of my pants and it showed when I saw how my kids were behaving.

I kept looking at my husband and saying, “I think we need to change the plans for tonight.” His reply was, “So do it.” He has so much faith in my quarterbacking abilities. But I was having such a hard time making the call. I knew that it was going to make me really unpopular with people in and outside of my family. So I wrestled with the anxiety of it ALL stinkin’ day.

Finally, three hours before the last event of the weekend, I found the courage to make the call. I called an audible. We cancelled our plans, sat our children down to explain why this call was best for them, and then replaced our plans with a family night that included pizza and snuggling on the couch to watch Narnia. The night ended with very happy children and very relieved parents.

I was sure this call would bring on the tears. I was shocked when it didn't. There was some disappointment, and we told them that was ok. No one is happy when plans don’t go the way they hoped, and they didn’t have to pretend to be happy about it.

Why did I struggle so much to make the call that I knew was right? Because deep down, I’m a people pleaser. But if you are going to be a good quarterback, you can’t worry about pleasing people. You just have to make the call you know is right for the situation. At least, I’m assuming you do-I’ve never actually quarterbacked for a team.

But, you and I are the quarterbacks for our families, dear Mama. Biblically, our husbands are the heads of our homes (Eph. 5; 1 Peter 3), so they are like the coach who bears the responsibility for leading the whole team. But we women bear the responsibility of guarding our families when we see the lines of defense changing in ways that our husbands can’t. We must have the wisdom to not only see when the enemy is moving in, but to know the right call to make, and to know how to make the call in a way that does not demean or undermine our husbands. We must have sound minds, discerning hearts, courageous spirits and humble attitudes. Dear Lord, have mercy! Sounds like too much, doesn’t it? Not if we submit first to the Lord. His Spirit in us gives us what we need in order to make the right call in the right way. When we submit our plans to him, he establishes our steps (Proverbs 16).

We ladies don’t always make the right call. Eve made the wrong call at the tree in the garden and brought destruction into her home. I’ve made some wrong calls that have invited destruction into my home, as well. I’ve also made the right call in the wrong way and wounded my husband’s heart.

My prayer for you and me this week is that we would be women of God’s Word. The only way we can make the right call is if we know the playbook really well (ok, enough with sports analogies-they’re just so dang easy!). I pray that we would submit our hearts and plans to God and pray continually for his wisdom and discernment. I pray that we will have the courage to make the right calls, even when they make us unpopular with the people we love most. Finally, I pray we would be alert to what’s going on in the hearts of our homes. May we not be so distracted by the chaos, both good and bad, that we fail to see what’s happening in the hearts of our people.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts her…Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Proverbs 31:10-28